So You Have Been Hurt!

I saw the following comment at 43things.com

I work at a restaurant as a server. I deal with people all the time and even in class. I have grown to not take stupid remarks personally and that NO ONE has any right to label you or make you feel any way that you don't want to. Be tough and be yourself. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Sometimes people will rub us wrong and wounds caused by other people will get opened and we will react to their remarks, or their actions, or their lack of respect. This happened to me recently and I have to admit I sometimes operate out the wounds of my life. When I react instead of responding I always end up embarrassed and humbled.

I have a book in my library titled: "Get Out of Your Own Way" by Mark Goulston, M.D., and Philip Goldberg. In Chapter 21 "Taking Things Too Personal" they state this: "Failing to consider the other person's true intentions is a good way to ruin a relationship. Instead of reflecting and responding appropriately, you merely react, either retaliating or becoming defensive, sullen or petulant. Such reactions not only obscure the legitimate reasons for your concern but poison the other person's response to your legitimate grievances. And, when you realize what you've done, you end up feeling ashamed in the bargain."

Here are their recommendations:

* When someone does something to upset you, ask yourself if you did anything to justify his or her actions.

* If you did, it is better to own up to it early. Offer an apology and promise to try to do better next time.

* If you didn't do anything to justify the behavior, ask yourself if the other person in this way with others too. If so, don't take it personally.

*You have three choices: find a way to be more accepting; cut your losses and end the relationship; make your feelings known and hope the offensive behavior stops.

*Remember, not taking things personally does not mean turning the other cheek. It means shooting from the head rather than the hip.

Two scriptures that we should consider concerning offenses.

Matthew 5: 23-24 This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

Matthew 18: 15-17 If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.

I encourage you to respond and not react to the actions of others. They may be acting out of their woundedness and do not realize how they are treating you in the process.