What to do when everything in you wants to hold a grudge?

I find it is hard to describe the pain and fear that I felt as a young boy after my mom left except to point out how it demonstrated itself each time my dad left on Monday mornings for his out of town job. (See my post on November 22nd.)

I use to struggle when talking about the evening an Air Force Sgt., who I was suppose to trust, sexually molested me. How that one event for years would keep me from developing any close friendships with other men.

I cannot put into the words the day my first wife left me and the feelings of abandonment I felt and how I would experience those same feelings 10 years later when my second wife would kick me out of the house. How that last night I rocked my four year old daughter to sleep and after I placed her in her bed her mom would walk me to the door and tell me to get out.

In Mark 11: 25 Jesus tells us: "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions."
How do you forgive someone who has hurt you deeply? Just what is forgiveness?

Several years ago I started a men's small group and one our first studies was a book by R.T. Kendall called "Total Forgiveness". It challenged me to stretch to levels I quite frankly did not want to go to. This book helped me move beyond the bitterness I held against my mom, the Sgt. and my ex-wives. If you are struggling with forgiving someone here are some excerpts from the book that I believe will benefit you.

The first thing I believe we need to answer is: "What is total forgiveness?"

1. Being aware of what someone has done to you and choosing to forgive.
Some people choose to live in denial as a way of dealing with their pain. It is no spiritual victory to think we are forgiving people when we are only avoiding facing up to their wrong behavior. We can achieve total forgiveness only when we acknowledge what was done without any denial or cover up--and still refuse to make the offender pay for their crime.

2. Choosing to keep no record of wrong.
In 1 Corinthians 13: 5 "Love keeps no record of wrongs". Love is a choice. Total forgiveness is also a choice. It is not a feeling but is rather an act of the will. It is the choice to tear up the record of wrongs we have been keeping. When we do this all the time--as a lifestyle--we not only avoid bitterness, but we also eventually experience total forgiveness as a feeling--and it is a good feeling.

3. Refusing to punish.
Refusing to punish those who deserve it--giving up the natural desire to see them "get what's coming to the,"--is the essence of total forgiveness. If we harbor the desire to see our enemies punished, we will eventually lose the anointing of the Holy Spirit. But when perfect love--enters, the desire for our enemy to be punished leaves.

4. Not telling what they did.
There is often a need to talk to someone about how we have been hurt, and this can be therapeutic if it is done with the right heart attitude. If this is necessary, you should choose the person you tell very carefully, making sure that person is trustworthy and will never repeat your situation to those it does not concern.

Anyone who truly forgives does not gossip about their offender.

5. Be merciful.
"Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy" Matthew 5: 7 The fringe benefit for those of us who show mercy: We will also be shown mercy.

6.Graciousness.
True forgiveness show grace and mercy at the same time. Graciousness is shown by what you don't say, even if what you could say would be true. Total forgiveness sometimes means overlooking what you perceive to be the truth and not letting on about anything that could damage another person.

7. It is an inner condition.
Total forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless, for "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12: 34 If we have genuine heart-experience, we will not be devastated if there is no reconciliation between us and the one who hurt us.

8. It is the absence of bitterness.
Bitterness is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that comes from deep resentment. In Ephesians 4: 30 it heads up the list of things that grieve the Holy Spirit.

Relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you His peace, His joy and the knowledge of His will.

9. Stop being angry with God.
Although we often do not see it at first--and for some it takes a long time--all of our bitterness is ultimately traceable to a resentment of God. We must make the effort to recognize that we are angry with God about what happened to us and accept what happened by looking for His purpose.

10. Forgive ourselves.
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. There is no lasting joy in forgiveness if it doesn't include forgiving yourself.

"Total Forgiveness" can be purchased at ChristianBook.com by clicking total forgiveness or you can purchase it at your local Christian book store.

How can we pray for you regarding forgiveness?