4 steps to improving your marriage

As I drove to our quarterly men's breakfast at Vineyard Church in Overland Park my mind was racing with thoughts of ways I had let my wife down, of how I have not achieved what most would call the American dream and I was weighed down with some fear of any discussion we might have after my friend, Steve, had finished what he was going to share with us.

My wife, Kat, and I have been married for 22 years and the failings I have had are long. She has been faithful and forgiving all through our marriage. I will confess some of my failings here and I say some because the list is so long.

For most of my life I have struggled with intimacy and I have hid my dreams, desires and struggles from her.

For several years in our marriage I struggled with sexual purity and found myself attracted to pornography.

For the last 5 years I have struggled with career issues. In 2003 I was part of a one person reduction in force and struck out on my own. Since then I have struggled with finding permanent employment and have had to settle for temporary work situations.

Steve covered each of these subjects in his talk and I found hope, real hope from what he shared.
He shared what has changed his life, improved all areas of his marriage and spiritual life.

His first point or step was about gaining sexual purity in his life. He used the following scripture:

1 Corinthians 6:18 (The Message)

16-20 There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

1 Corinthians 7 To Be Married, to Be Single . . .

1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

His second point or step was based on:

Matthew 18:18-20 (The Message)

18-20"Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."

Steve talked of praying with his wife and how that dramatically changed his life. This step made it possible for him to do the first step. Sexual purity has everything to do with having physical and spiritual intimacy with one's wife.

Steve's third point or step was to find a man who would be your encouragement coach based on:

Hebrews 3:13 (New American Standard Bible)

13 But ^(A)encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called "Today," so that none of you will be hardened by the ^(B)deceitfulness of sin.

Have you noticed how often men are beat up on by advertisements and some groups? Men need to be encouraged or they will escape into dark places to medicate their wounds.

Steve's fourth point or step was based on:

James 5:16 (The Message)

16-18 Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. Elijah, for instance, human just like us, prayed hard that it wouldn't rain, and it didn't—not a drop for three and a half years. Then he prayed that it would rain, and it did. The showers came and everything started growing again.

For many men this is one of the most difficult things to do because they are going to take the risk of trusting someone with their shame and guilt. I believe that shame is placed on us by the fallen angels and keeps us enslaved to our sin and guilt is stirred in us by Christ's kingness and moves us to repentance by bringing our dark areas into the light.

Once you have found that man who you can trust make it a point to confess your sin. By doing so you will find healing for the wounds you have received through your life. Healing will lead you to wanting to reach out to other men and help them achieve the same blessings.

Steve mentioned a couple of books that can help you in your struggle to be intimate with your wife and in overcoming those things that keep you from achieving it.

Sex, Men & God by Dr. Doug Weiss

Listening for Heaven's Sake by David Ping and Gary Sweeten

Are you struggling with purity issues and a lack of intimacy with your wife? Do you have a hunger for encouragement and a need to confess? The solution to those needs is found in the four steps Steve talked about. Will things change instantly? Maybe, but if they don't I encourage you to not to give up. Keep getting up and take another step closer to the goal. As Steve said once you have achieved these 4 steps your marriage, your sex life, your ability to be intimate and your spiritual life will be the best you have ever experienced. Then you will find yourself like Steve and have a desire to be on a mission of helping other men experience the hope of real freedom.

I hope you will take the risk and leave a comment.