So You Have Been Hurt!

I saw the following comment at 43things.com

I work at a restaurant as a server. I deal with people all the time and even in class. I have grown to not take stupid remarks personally and that NO ONE has any right to label you or make you feel any way that you don't want to. Be tough and be yourself. Take everything with a grain of salt.

Sometimes people will rub us wrong and wounds caused by other people will get opened and we will react to their remarks, or their actions, or their lack of respect. This happened to me recently and I have to admit I sometimes operate out the wounds of my life. When I react instead of responding I always end up embarrassed and humbled.

I have a book in my library titled: "Get Out of Your Own Way" by Mark Goulston, M.D., and Philip Goldberg. In Chapter 21 "Taking Things Too Personal" they state this: "Failing to consider the other person's true intentions is a good way to ruin a relationship. Instead of reflecting and responding appropriately, you merely react, either retaliating or becoming defensive, sullen or petulant. Such reactions not only obscure the legitimate reasons for your concern but poison the other person's response to your legitimate grievances. And, when you realize what you've done, you end up feeling ashamed in the bargain."

Here are their recommendations:

* When someone does something to upset you, ask yourself if you did anything to justify his or her actions.

* If you did, it is better to own up to it early. Offer an apology and promise to try to do better next time.

* If you didn't do anything to justify the behavior, ask yourself if the other person in this way with others too. If so, don't take it personally.

*You have three choices: find a way to be more accepting; cut your losses and end the relationship; make your feelings known and hope the offensive behavior stops.

*Remember, not taking things personally does not mean turning the other cheek. It means shooting from the head rather than the hip.

Two scriptures that we should consider concerning offenses.

Matthew 5: 23-24 This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

Matthew 18: 15-17 If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love.

I encourage you to respond and not react to the actions of others. They may be acting out of their woundedness and do not realize how they are treating you in the process. 

Betrayal - Two Lessons

Pastor Erik Kingsley of New Life Church in Louisburg, KS gave a series of messages on "Betrayal" and in the final sermon he shared his own experience of being betrayed.  I came away with a couple of thoughts that I would like to share today.  I hope you will be stirred to take action to either approach the one who betrayed you or approach the one you have betrayed.

First I was stirred to write in my notes "Don't Wait! Do it Now!!"  In Matthew 18: 15-17 "If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you've made a friend. If he won't listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won't listen, tell the church. If he won't listen to the church, you'll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God's forgiving love. 

 18-20 "Take this most seriously: A yes on earth is yes in heaven; a no on earth is no in heaven. What you say to one another is eternal. I mean this. When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there."

If we have been betrayed by someone we can either choose to let it simmer and burn us or we can do the spiritually mature things and go to that person and sit down with them and explain how they have hurt us.  I will be the first to admit I sometimes just let things simmer until I am burned by a desire for revenge.  I know the root of why I do this and it grows from the times people I have gone to do not hear what I am saying and turn what I am sharing around on me.  I walk away feeling even more hurt and new wounds are ripped in my heart.  My fear keeps me from doing the spiritually mature thing and risk speaking the truth in love.  We need to use the Holy Spirit to overcome our fear and go to the one who has hurt us and be honest and share with love our hurt.

 

My final word on this part of the post is be willing to walk away content that you have done what the Lord wants you to do even if they do not listen.  Once you have shared leave your hurt and do not allow the other person to add to it if they do not listen.  If the one you are sharing with is a Christian and they do not listen to you then you have the obligation to share the matter with the church.

 

My other thought can be summed up in "Betrayal leads to lack of trust".  When someone betrays us we are less willing to trust someone else with our dreams and into our lives.  I will use an example from my own life.  When I was 18 years old and on my way to Vietnam I had to stop at an Air Force base for an overnight stay.  A Sergeant invited me to go into town with him and I was glad to hang with him.  He ended up betraying me by sexually molesting me.  That event caused me to not trust men and I did not overcome that until I was in my forties when the Holy Spirit showed me that there were men I could trust. 

 

If you have been betrayed by someone I encourage you to risk sharing with them how they made you feel but do so willing to leave your wound behind even if they do not listen to you.  If you cannot go to the person do not let your feelings simmer and turn into bitterness (which is sin) but go before Jesus and lay it at His feet.  Once you lay it down, get up and walk away leaving it there.

 

If you have been betrayed and are having a hard time trysting other people then I encourage you to go before God and ask Him to give you the Grace to overcome the wounds that keep you from trusting others.  If you stay in your lack of trust you will never grow in your spiritual life or your ministry.  I found that I could not minister when I did not trust others.  

I also found that I could minister if I knew of incidents where I had betrayed someone and had not repented of it.  In Matthew 5: 23-24 we are told by Jesus "If therefore you are presenting your offering at the alter, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the alter, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering."

 

If you have a story about "Betrayal" please share it.  Lay it down before God here by writing it out and then hitting the Publish Your Comment button.  Then turn in your chair and walk away from it knowing God will give you the Grace to heal your wounds.  

 

God desires for you to be healed of all of your wounds but you have to trust Him with them.

My 18th year

My senior year in High School was very eventful. For the first time in my efforts at playing football I made the starting line-up. I was one of the smallest guys on our team but I played like I was much bigger. At the end of the football season my team mates choose me as one of the captains of our team.

I would have made the starting team in basketball too except I let my girlfriend talk me out of playing. She did not like the other girls cheering for me. My nickname was Co-Co, short for Clark bar, and she did not like hearing the girls cheering Co-Co or me running up into the cheerleaders area. Not that I always did that on purpose but I have to admit it was quite fun to do.

Later in the spring I did play on our golf team and we went to the state tournament and if I remember right Tom Watson of Kansas City played in that tourney. We did not place but we had lots of fun.

I was still shy but I was one of the most popular guys in our school. It seemed almost everyone knew who Larry Clark or Co-Co was. As a side note I went to my 40th school reunion and was voted the most changed person in our class. No one could put there finger on why I won that award but I believe it is because I was no longer that shy backward person they knew back then.

One spring evening my girlfriend and I were out on a date and we were laying under a tree in the park. As usual we started kissing and kind of getting out of control when I stopped and told her that I wanted to stop being sexually involved. I talked of how she could get pregnant and how that would ruin all of her plans for college and that I would leaving for the Navy soon. She started crying and asked if I still loved her. To make the story short we had sex and that night she got pregnant. That failure on my part to stand firm as a man changed our lives. She did not go to college until years later and I left soon after we got married for the Navy and Vietnam.

The next thing that year that affected my life and who I would become happened on my way to Vietnam. I had to spend one night at an Air Force base in California before I left for the Philippians. An Air Force Sargent offered to show me the town. Once in town he rented a Motel room and told me he needed to shower before we went to a local bar. After showering he sexually molested me.

I would let this one event keep me from having male friends until I broke free from that fear at age 41 and found healing for the wounds caused by it at age 52.

Guys we all have wounds resulting from others taking advantage of us or hurting us. It helps me to talk about my wounds and I encourage you to share yours here. I have the comment section set-up so you can be Anonymous. If I can help in anyway please contact me privately.